I’m writing a lot more than I used to these days, which is a good thing for a variety of reasons. For one thing, I’m getting a lot of practice under my belt, and for another it’s training me to look at storytelling from a more critical, ‘insider’s’ perspective. While enjoying something on an emotional level, I can also take it apart piece by piece, figure out what works and what didn’t, compare and contrast how I would have done something with how it was ultimately presented and learn that way. Learning to write and learning to read like a writer are very interconnected concepts, and it’s rather exciting to feel like I’m getting my legs with what’s essentially a new language.
One of the not so great things about writing more often is facing down the fact that I’m simply not very good at it yet. Most of the time my characterization is poor, my dialogue and description isn’t very efficient, and I’m not yet practiced at juggling a bunch of eggs in a scene. Paragraphs will run from description to internal monologue to action without very smooth transitions, so scenes feel jarring and a bit schizophrenic. It’s a lot harder than it looks to switch gears from function to function in a single scene, so it makes me respect the fact that people can have a scene do multiple things (introducing characters, establishing motivation, reinforcing themes and moods) so effortlessly.
It can be a little disheartening when you share company with people who are so good. I’m lucky enough to be married to a very good writer, and I’ve known quite a few people who seem to have a natural talent for it. Back in Arkansas, so many people just have this innate understanding of how to tell a story, and they make it seem like the easiest thing in the world. I’m not sure if that ability was ingrained in them or what, but now that I’m trying to blaze their trail on my own I see that I have a lot of catching up to do.
And that’s a really difficult thing to accept: the fact that compared to a lot of your peers, you suck. No one wants to have one of their worst fears realized -- that they’re just not very good at something they desperately want to do. It’s a pretty strong blow to your pride and it makes you just want to give up. I know there’s a lot of times where I just want to throw in the towel, to say that it might be better if I just gave up the illusion of being a writer. No matter how good I get, I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never be like *them*.
There are multiple ways out of this trap, but here’s the idea that worked for me. It’s the idea of impermanence. No matter what state you’re in, no matter how firmly entrenched you think you are, every state is passing. I suck now, that’s a fact. But if I keep working at it, if I keep paying attention to my mistakes and working to correct them, then I’ll get better. Eventually, I’ll suck a little less. And a little less still. And then I’ll be OK. One day, if I work hard enough, I might even be pretty good. All it requires is dedication and patience, and the belief that the current state of sucky affairs will not last.
So right now I’m working on three different short stories that aren’t very good. One I’ll likely edit and post online, another I’ll submit to a zine I somehow got let into, and another I’ll try to submit for ‘legitimate’ publication -- though it might not be up to snuff until next year. Sure, none of these stories might not be the best on the web, or in this particular zine issue, or in that anthology, but I’ll have worked hard on them. And I can use the experience to put a little distance between myself and my current suckiness.
This tack might not work for everyone, of course. Sometimes it doesn’t help to have a kind of mantra when you’re feeling down on yourself. “I suck right now, but I will still do the best I can. Later, I won’t be quite so bad -- as long as I work hard now.” Maybe it’s not productive to think, “I suck at writing, so what? I’ll do it anyway.”
Does anyone else have suggestions? What do you tell yourself to push through a time of self-doubt?
One man's suck is another man's brilliance -- so you may actually be much better than you think you are, 'cause you're not writing what you expected to be writing.
ReplyDeleteIt's also possible (although less likely) that you might actually suck. But if you keep working at it -with the intent to improve- you'll keep growing as a writer and eventually you'll find the moments where you were "not so bad" come more and more often, then the moments were you were "actually kinda good" come more and more often, and so on.
"Good" writer or "bad" writer isn't a fixed point, it's a range on a continuum!
-The Gneech
I tell myself that whether I suck or not, I have my own unique perspective and no one else can offer it. It's less about being good or bad and more about giving/sharing what I have.
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